On “not being believed”

I had an interesting exchange about domestic violence with someone a few months ago that really made me question why we have such a big issue with the veracity of PEVs* stories being called into question. After hearing a bit about my experience, the person I was speaking to said “I’m very sorry that this happened to you and that when you came forward you weren’t believed,” While I appreciated the sympathy expressed, and I understand that trying to find the right words when someone shares their experience with violence is never easy, this comment left me feeling frustrated more than anything else.

Not being believed was never the problem in my case, as I attempt to make clear. There was absolutely no doubt that parts of what happened to me actually happened as there were witnesses. Rather, the discrepancy came in whether people believed what happened to me was wrong, and whether it qualified as domestic violence.

By classifying the struggle of being heard under the umbrella of “not being believed”, we are blatantly and detrimentally ignoring the actual problem. This label makes the assumption that bystanders, friends, coworkers and others have no solid proof of the violent situation happening and that is why they are hesitant to believe the veracity of stories. Simultaneously, it implies that if they did have concrete, first-hand evidence of violence, they would be sympathetic and helpful. It ignores the fact that we, as humans, crave convenience and as such have a tendency to ignore or minimize a problem if it does not affect us directly.

This happens all of the time in situations of gender-based violence. To use a pertinent example, the problem is not whether the situation actually occurred when a girl said no to drunken sex that still happened; that is not what is being called into question. The problem lies in whether her friends see it as rape, as a big deal worthy of pursuit, or as a common occurrence that happens occasionally and isn’t worth a second thought.

In both situations, the friends indisputably believe that their friend was put into a situation where she had sex and did not want to. The friend is not “not believed,” Rather, her voice and opinion are invalidated, the problem is minimized, and her sincere emotions are not taken seriously.

From a broader perspective, this is just as bad, if not worse, as victims not being believed. How can we as a society expect to have any type of discussion about violence when we don’t even know when to acknowledge that something wrong is happening? How can we expect to make any progress if we keep pretending that the problem is women not being believed, and not the frank truth that people will go to great lengths to disparage and discount a situation because it makes them uncomfortable.

The funny thing with what happened to me is that parts of it were indisputably domestic violence. Things took place that we (myself included) would have recognized as DV had we been taught to see the signs, and taught that those signs are incontrovertible. I myself had no idea until very recently that being locked out of a shared home by an abuser can in fact be physical abuse. That very publicly happened to me, and still no one saw it as wrong. After an hour locked out with nothing but the dress I had on and flipflops while my roommate was inside ignoring me, I had to run 15 minutes each way to borrow another roommates keys. Even then I had to wait longer because the door had a bolt-chain so I couldn’t get back in after unlocking it. How can anyone possibly make the argument here that the issue is “not being believed” when there is absolutely nothing there to dispute?

Likewise, the same roommate who lent me the keys once asked me” What can you expect if you make him angry?” when I told her I had been pushed to the ground while she was in the other room. She never questioned that what I said was true, but rather questioned my role in instigating what happened, which is blatant victim blaming, and dismissed the problem.

I have no idea why the people around me didn’t see anything wrong happening, and speculating about it won’t get me very far. What I do know for sure is the fact that they didn’t see a problem in violence where there clearly was one shows a disturbing, persistent trend towards ignorance of the inconvenient within our society. Only by acknowledging that this trend and ending the pretense that the issue lies in survivors not being believed can we begin to address the problem.

*/** Through the writing of this blog, I have come to realize that I don’t like the words “victim,” “survivor,” and “abuser,” so instead I created my own expressions. PEV stands for “person experiencing violence” and PPV stands for “person perpetrating violence”. I shortened them both into acronyms because they were too lengthy to use in their full forms.