When everything was happening to me last spring, I began looking for meaning in the world around me in a way I never have before. I started to wonder a lot about whether there were such things as good people and bad people, which is not like me at all.
I care very little what people think of me; growing up weird can either leave you ostracized or it can do that. Throughout my teenage years, I always believed, somewhere in the back of my head, that if you care about other people, if you are kind to them, then, for people whose opinions you should value, this care and kindness is reciprocal, fuck the rest.
I had to learn the hard way that that is not how life is. Sometimes people have not found happiness in themselves yet, so they are unable to understand or enjoy your happiness. It took me a while to work that out. For several weeks, I was obsessed with this idea of good people and bad people. The only way I could rationalize someone disliking me enough to not care about causing me physical pain was believing that he was just an inherently bad person. Then I wondered why other people didn’t see that. Why I hadn’t seen that at first. Why he wasn’t mean or violent to other people. I came to the conclusion that I was the bad person, and that he was justified in his hatred and violence towards me.
Although I thought about it then, I couldn’t truly believe it, but the problem was all inside of him. He had just broken up with his girlfriend, he was having trouble performing sexually, he was frustrated and I was, as his female roommate, by far, the easiest target. It took me three months to realize that. He was not, is not, a bad person. I am not a bad person. There is no such thing as a bad person.
He was just a confused, upset and frustrated boy, and wanted someone to be more confused, upset and frustrated than he was. Strangely enough, I think I pity him more than anything else. I have so much love and beauty and happiness in my life, despite all of the pain and I can’t imagine what it must be like for someone not to be able to find that.
In the end, I have the same philosophy I’ve always had. People are people. Neither good nor bad play any part in it. We are born inherently selfish maybe, but through self-reflection, honesty and learning to value and appreciate the happiness of others, we can make the choice to perform actions that do good.
I’ll leave off with a quote from Dumbledore, who is probably my favorite literary character, and who I am fond of quoting randomly in conversation in the hope that someone will one day realize what I am doing. I think the message of this quote is so important to internalize if you are currently experiencing, or have experienced, any kind of long term abuse. It is so easy to feel worthless and to feel like what happened to you happened because of some way that you inherently are. That is not true. That is never true. And if you are truly unhappy with the person you are, it is never, ever, too late to begin making different choices.
“It is our choices, Harry, that show who we truly are, far more than our abilities.”